Dirty Talk
by A-Million-Miles-Too-Close
Summary: Random drabbles. Based on the site Texts From Last Night. Quite a few different pairings, but main charecters are Rachel, Mike, Santana, Puck, Kurt, Sam and Mercedes.
1. one

**Title: **Dirty Talk.**  
>Pairings: <strong>Cherry. Samtana. Chevans. Cherrytana. Samchel. Puckleberry. MattxMercedes.**  
>Warnings: <strong>Nothing overly bad, but there is sex refrences in here...**  
>AN: **I've been overly bored these past few days and started writing these. I was going to post them sepratley, but I cannot be bothered anymore. Enjoy. (Sorry for any mistakes, I don't have word on here and I'm to lazy to spell check anything)

* * *

><p><strong>(352): I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.<strong>

"Good night?" Puck smirked as Mike fell into the kitchen around midday, hand across his forehead as if it was somehow stopping the throbbing.

"I don't remember drinking as much as my body seems to think I have" Mike answered, heading for the kitchen sink so that he could take a mouthful of water straight from the tap, before splashing some across his face.

"Yeah, you were pretty gone last night, Sam left in the end because you kept trying to mack on him"

"I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone" His reply came back as if it somehow justified the fact. "Their sexual preference was none of my concern"

"Don't think Evans saw it that way" Puck smirked. "However, you did finally kiss Rachel and you got her and Santana to give us a little show behind the club after you'd finished puking, which I must add, you cried until Rachel held your non-existent hair back"

"Oh god"

"Don't worry about it, they were both pretty gone too"

* * *

><p><strong>(575): We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.<strong>

"I think we should have probably text Puck to let him know we decided to ditch" Rachel stated as she dropped down on the floor of her living room at the small coffee table, dropping the tequila down.

Mike smiled at her from where he was sat facing her, the fact she'd just called her best friend Puck, told him she was on her way to getting wasted.

"He'll get over it" He promised. "Anyway, Santana and Sam were heading out with him too so it's not like he's alone"

She nodded, pulling the spoons from her pocket and placing them on the table, with a smirk.

"We're actually doing this?"

"Well yes" She replied. "You did make me put the soundtrack to Mary Poppins on the sound system so it seems only fit that we take shots, from spoons. You know, like a spoon full of alcohol is going to make you puke"

Mike rolled his eyes laughing. "All right, fine. Let's get this started"

Half way through the bottle of tequila, Mike's phone alerted him to a text. He moved Rachel's head from his leg slightly so that he could fish his phone from his pocket, laughing as she let out a whine of protest, holding her head.

_Dude, where the hell are you and Rach? Cheers for letting me know you were ditching. _

Mike smiled as he began his text back. _We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins, pretty brilliant night if you ask me. Sorry dude._

* * *

><p><strong>(609): sleazy september. first one with mono loses.<strong>

Santana smirked to herself as she caught the date on the calendar stuck to her fridge. September, the first month of their second year at college, the month that depressed them because they had to leave some of the summer behind.

It wasn't as fun getting drunk on a Wednesday night in September, there was nothing worse than a law class with an almighty hangover.

Picking her phone up off the kitchen counter, she opened a BBM conversation up adding Rachel, Mike, Puck, Mercedes and Kurt into it. Kurt would give her some shit excuse as to why he wouldn't be partaking in such an activity, he'd turned into Berry since college, it kind of freaked her out.

**S;**  
>Bitches, sleazy September. First one with mono loses.<p>

**Puckzilla;**  
>You're on Satan.<p>

**Kurt;**  
>I'll sit this one out thank you very much. However, have fun.<p>

**Cedes;**  
>Wait, Santana, aren't you like immune to mono?<p>

**S;**  
>I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo. ;)<p>

**R;**  
>Cheat! However, I will be partaking, this should be a laugh.<p>

**S;**  
>Good luck losers.<p>

**Mike;**  
>I hope, somehow, I will actually pray, that San is the first one to get mono. It will be beautiful.<p>

xoxox

"You look like shit" Puck smirked as Santana fell into the booth next to Mercedes, who was sat next to Kurt, Puck sitting on the edge next to him.

"I feel like shit" She spat back, taking a long drink of the glass of water they'd ordered her.

"So, you lost?" Mercedes smirked.

Mike and Rachel joined them at the booth, Rachel falling next to Santana leaving Mike to take the end. Mike, tried and fail to hold back a cough as he reached for his own water, avoiding everyone's eyes as they turned to look at him.

"Wait, you're ill too?" Puck smirked. "You totally got sleazy with Santana"

Santana glared at Puck, before hiding her face as Rachel let out a groan of pain, rubbing her neck.

"Oh my god, the three of you all have mono" Kurt blurted, before he grinned, Mercedes letting out a laugh.

"This is gold. So when did the three of you have this little get together?"

"We don't want to talk about it" Santana spat out, digging her fork into her burger with force as the waitress placed it in front of her. "Ever"

* * *

><p><strong>(406): you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob<strong>

Rachel lets out a groan as she turns over onto her back, the muscles fighting against the sudden movement. Stretching her arms, she flinches at the pounding in her head, all the while trying to remember what the hell happened last night.

Her minds get's as far as to the shots Santana had brought out from their cupboard last night, before it blows off into a haze. Rolling from her bed, Rachel frowns down at Mercedes, who is curled up under a snuggie on her floor, using Rachel's shoes as a pillow.

Stumbling her way downstairs, she nods at Puck who is sat at the kitchen table with a smug smirk.

"Morning Caroline"

So now she knows she did something bad, because only Puck would be proud of her for doing something so un-berry like and he only uses that nickname when he thinks the sun shines out of her ass.

"What did I do?"

She kind of doesn't want to know.

"Can't say, it's not really as hilarious coming from me" He replied. "It's epic though, like seriously Rach"

She sighs as she sits down at the table, water and two aspirins in hand. She swallows the pills as Mike stumbles into the house, straight into the kitchen and towards the coffee machine. Puck begins to titter to himself and Rachel can't bring herself to look at Mike, not now she's certain it's something to do with him too.

"Thanks for bailing me out Puck" Mike breaks the silence with his sarcastic tone.

"No problem dude, any time" Puck giggles. "Dude, they told me they were letting you go in the morning anyway and it would have been a waste of money. Plus, you now have an IOU to check in"

Rachel eyes Puck curiously as he smirks at her, before he turns to Mike a huge grin breaking out onto his face.

"By the way, she doesn't remember anything from last night, so you might want to fill her in before you cash it"

Rachel finally turns to look at Mike who is trying his best to glare at her, only a soft smile breaks out onto his face at the obvious confusion. She finally breaks, slamming her hands onto the table, wincing at the sound.

"Okay, I'm lost. Could someone please tell me what the hell happened last night?"

"Santana spiked the shots, we all got a little rowdy and decided to go to the park and then from there, I ended up at the cop station for the night"

"Because of you" Puck added, nudging Rachel, the shit eating grin still evident on his face.

"What? How did you get arrested because of me?" She raised her eyebrow.

Mike shrugged. "The police came to move us along from the park but you had different ideas and started telling them that I was trying to get you to marry me so that I could stay in the country because I was on my way to being deported to Christmas Island, so they took me in before realising that you were just bull shitting and that I was in fact born in this country"

Puck was practically howling with laughter by the end of it, Rachel hitting him as she looked up apologetically.

"I'm so sorry Mike, I shouldn't have done that, it was also fairly racist of me"

"Hey Rach, don't worry about it, it's actually pretty hilarious" He shook his head to assure her. "Plus Santana spiked the drinks so we can blame everything on her"

Rachel smiled lightly as she stood up pulling him into a hug. "If there's anything I can ever do to say sorry, just let me know"

"Dude has an IOU" Puck added helpfully "and dude, she just said _anything"_

Mike laughed a little as Rachel turned to glare at him, before she turned back to him, a small smirk on her face.

"I'm not the kind of girl to go back on her word" She shrugged, before heading from the kitchen up to her room.

"Dude, jump on that shit, now!" Puck warned as Mike managed to pick his jaw up from the floor. Puck rolled his eyes as Mike hesitated, grabbing his best friends phone that had been given to him last night, opening up a new BBM conversation with Rachel.

**Mike;**  
>You got me arrested, I just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob.<p>

Mike made some sort of girly noise as he realised what Puck had just done, leaping to grab his phone from the amused males hands. "Puck, she's going to fucking hate me now"

"Doubt it"

**R;**  
>Well you're going to have to come up here to receive it.<p>

Puck rolled his eyes as Mike swiftly moved from the kitchen, towards the stairs, Rachel's door being slammed shut a few seconds later.

* * *

><p><strong>(469): on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.<strong>

"Hey Cedes, how's that work conference?" Rachel asked as she answered her ringing phone, the Chinese Puck had ordered for her, Kurt, Mike and himself making its way onto her lap. Kurt's head turned to look at her as he picked up who was on the phone.

"Got boring after the tenth speaker so Santana talked me into sneaking out, probably one of the worst ideas I've ever had"

"Why?" Rachel felt sympathy for her friend, Santana could make you do stupid things with the click of her fingers, Rachel still didn't understand how but Kurt was certain she was some kind of jedi.

"Well on the list of things I learned today that are not stripper poles are, ex-boyfriends, table legs and police officers"

Rachel managed to swallow her food, before laughing loudly, Kurt quickly patting her bag as it turned into a half hearted choke. The other two boys turned to look at her with raised eyebrows.

"Are you being serious?"

"Deadly. Santana thought it'd be fun to get a few drinks in us before heading back to face the conference, only a few drinks isn't just a few with her is it? I basically ended up trying to dance around Jake, he thought it was amusing, his new girlfriend however didn't, Santana gave her a black eye"

"Oh god"

"Yeah, then there was the table leg incident in this restaurant, pretty sure they've banned the two of us from every single one in the country"

Rachel giggled a little. "How does the cop fit in?"

Mercedes let out a groan. "Well, they came to remove us from the restaurant and obviously I thought it'd be pretty hilarious to use the hot one as a stripper pole, he however found no amusement in it and that's why I'm ringing"

"You're not in jail right now, are you?"

"I'm sorry Rach!" Mercedes pleaded. "We need bailing out, they said $200 each and we're free to go"

"I'm only doing this because it's you in there, if this was Santana alone she could spend the night in that place" Rachel clarified.

"Thank you so much, I'll get them to message you the address" Mercedes answered. "I owe you Rach"

"No you don't" Rachel promised, placing her food onto the coffee table, pulling the shoes lay on the floor onto her feet. "How you got arrested is good enough for me. I'll be there as soon as possible"

Hanging up, she turned to Kurt as she felt his eyes boring into her. She just shrugged grabbing her jacket that was lay over the back of the chair Mike was sat in, pulling it on.

"What the hell just happened?" Puck asked.

"Cedes and San are in jail" She answered as if it wasn't a big deal.

"What, why?" Kurt fretted, standing up and grabbing his own shoes. "I'm coming with you"

"Fine" Rachel smiled. "She can tell you everything when I've bailed them out. Although, I have the urge to leave San in there"

"Bring them both back" Mike warned a smirking Rachel.

* * *

><p><strong>(610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.<strong>

Santana frowned down at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she stepped out of the shower. Her hands came out to rub across the faint bruises.

There were three of them littering her skin. The first one was on the outside of her right leg and ran across it diagonally, the next one was across her stomach, running around to her hip. The last ran just under her breast, and towards her shoulder.

Pulling a pair of panties and a bra on, she made her way down to the kitchen, clapping to get everyone's attention.

"Santana!" Kurt shrieked covering his eyes. "Put some god damn' clothes on"

Ignoring him, Santana pointed to all three bruises, before looking up at them expectantly. "How the hell did I get these?"

"Probably on the ride home last night" Rachel pointed out, rolling her eyes as Kurt asked someone to throw her a t-shirt.

"That still doesn't clear anything up"

"Ask Cedes, she was your driver" Mike replied, before turning to Puck. "This is why one of us two needs to be designated driver sometimes, so that we don't end up having to walk home in the pouring rain at 3am"

Mercedes smiled as she turned to Santana. "You and Rach were both a little rowdy last night, you more so and I wanted to make sure you got home safely"

"You wouldn't sit still" Rachel added in.

At Santana's confused look, Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all three seatbelts, then so be it"

* * *

><p><strong>(760): I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.<strong>

Brittany beams at her friends as she heads towards them, falling into the booth at the coffee shop. Her dance troop were currently on tour supporting some new band that none of them have heard of, but it's still so fucking cool, because Britt is actually doing the one thing she'd always wanted to do and touring it. That's how she ends up in New York and how she manages to rope Mercedes, Santana and Rachel into the meeting, not that they minded all that much.

"Hey guys, god, I've missed you all so much" Brittany sighs.

"Aw B, we miss you too" Santana assures her.

"How long are you here for? The boys would really love to see you" Mercedes adds.

"Five days" She answers. "Long enough to have one of these crazy nights out you're always telling me about"

"Good! When are you free?"

"I have a show tonight, and tomorrow, but after the show tomorrow would be good, I have the day after off"

"Well then, that's sorted" Santana grinned, before eyeing the packet sat in Brittany's lap. "What are those?"

Brittany looked confused, before looking down to her lap, smiling. "Jelly beans, from Dylans Candy Bar"

Rachel just missed Santana as she spat her coffee out, Mercedes quickly patting her back to ease the coughs she was now spluttering out.

"What the hell Rae?"

"Sorry" She muttered, her face a crimson red.

Brittany looked between Rachel and the jelly beans, before giggling. "Spill, what dirty night did you have that involved jelly beans and who the hell was it with?"

Rachel blushed deeper, which apparently was possible.

"Hey, I saw Mike carrying some jelly beans around this morning with a shit eating grin on his face" Mercedes spoke up, before she laughed loudly, realistion hitting her.

"You and Chang again?" Santana asked. "Fuck me Berry, why are the two of you not dating?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Because neither of us have the intention of dating, we just mess around, you know, like you do with Noah sometimes"

"I haven't in years" Santana defended. "Anyway, moving on, what the fuck did you do with jelly beans?"

"Yeah, please tell me it's not something highly disgusting, I do want to be able to eat them" Mercedes shuddered.

"It was nothing really" Rachel shrugged, groaning as Brittany threw one at her. "Honestly, we were just watching a film in my room at first, eating jelly beans and then things just got a little hot..."

"Like they always seem to do with the two of you"

Rachel glared at Santana. "I fed him jelly beans whilst he fingered me, it was a win, win situation and not that big of a deal"

Brittany giggled, high fiving her friend.

* * *

><p><strong>(503): He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.<strong>

Mercedes walked into the living room, giggling to herself as she took a handful of the sour patch kids lay in a bowl, sitting herself next to Rachel, who was curled up, head against Mike's thigh like it was a totally normal friend move and not because the two had all this pent up sexual frustration for eachother, added with those feelings that they'd pushed far down.

Santana turned to look at her from where she was sat on the other sofa, Kurt's legs across her laps. "What are you giggling to yourself for?"

"I just got a phone call from Puck, a pretty hilarious one" She shrugged.

"Saying what? Where is he, he was supposed to be picking us up food with Sam and heading over here?" Kurt asked.

"Sam's on his way" Mercedes promised. "Puck however won't be here for a while"

"What did he do?" Rachel sighed, eyes moving from the television to look up at her.

"Cop station. He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink his vodka until he could bail himself out"

"Sounds like Puck" Mike commented. "Did he say why he was in?"

Mercedes shook her head, laughing.

"Don't you think we should maybe go bail him out?" Kurt pointed out.

"What, like he bailed me out when Rachel got me arrested? No way, let him do this himself" Mike dismissed.

"Yeah, he'll be out by morning" Rachel answered.

"If he isn't Kurt, then I promise we'll haul him out tomorrow" Santana finished.

"So, where is this vodka?" Rachel piped up.

* * *

><p><strong>(413): They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.<strong>

"So why did we wake up in the same bed this morning?" Rachel asked as herself and Santana headed towards local iHop to pick up some food. "I mean, not that it's a rare thing, but Sam and Mike were there too, it's a little weird"

"You mean you don't remember?" Santana asked, eyebrow raising as Rachel shook her head once more, parking the car. "Oh. I'll explain once we're back in the car"

Rachel racked her brains for possibilities as they ordered food, for the boys too, waiting for it to be handed to them before they were back in the car, Santana driving this time. She knew she had a habit of falling into bed with Mike when she was drunk, hell half of the time they weren't even drunk, but the Sam and Santana thing confused her, she would not have had a foursome with her three best friends, no matter how drunk she was.

"Are you going to explain?" Rachel asked, breaking the silence in the car.

"Was I the only one not completely out of my head last night?" Santana muttered, before frowning. "This kind of makes me a slut though, if I knew what I was doing"

Rachel slapped her best friends arm, hard. "Santana Lopez, don't you dare call yourself that again! You are anything but!"

Santana smiled, "Thanks Rach. Um, well last night, the four of us went out yeah?"

"Yeah, I remember as far as the sambuca shots, after that, it's pretty much gone"

"Well as always the boys came back to our place and we kept drinking, then things got a little smutty, you know, like always and well basically they high fived over us while we have them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket"

Rachel spit out the drink she'd just sipped, groaning as it covered her dashboard. "Seriously?"

"Yup" Santana popped the 'p', shrugging. "It's not like it's nothing we haven't done before, I just guess, we don't usually do it together"

"I need to stop drinking around you guys"

Santana giggled a little, parking the car, before the two of them made their way into the house where Sam and Mike were sat opposite ends of the living room, looking anywhere but at each other.

"What's wrong with those two?" Mercedes asked, trying to get an explanation from the girls.

"Oh, they must have woke up in bed together this morning, naked" Santana replied, causing Sam to blush even more, looking towards the floor. "Yeah, that explains it"

"I don't even want to know" Mercedes rolled her eyes, backing into the kitchen once more.

"We have breakfast" Rachel smiled, dropping next to Mike and handing him a box of pancakes, before she opened her own. "By the way, whatever you two think happened between you last night, it didn't"

Santana smiled, patting Sam's back as she handed him his breakfast. "The two of you didn't jump ship, Rach and I woke up with you both too, we just left to get this"

"Why were we all in the same bed?" Mike asked, groaning as Rachel hit him for talking with his mouth full.

"Oh, Rach and I had a competition to see who could give the best blowie, no big deal" Santana shrugged, turning as she heard Mercedes laughter coming from the kitchen.

* * *

><p><strong>(808): you were grabbing cocks left and right<br>(808): you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?"**

Rachel frowned as she headed through the house, headache making it hard to keep her eyes fully focused. The boys had crashed at the house last night and this morning all she'd got from them was funny looks.

Puck had smirked at her. Sam had blushed, before turning away and Mike had the gassy look he got when he was trying to keep laughter at bay. She'd rolled her eyes, walking away, because asking them what the hell was going on would be one of the stupidest things she could do.

Instead, she'd made her way to Mercedes room, deciding that her best friend would have some answers for her. After knocking, with no answer, she slid the door open a little, stepping back in shock as she caught sight of the tall, dark, handsome male lay on his back on the bed, eyes closed, Mercedes curled up next to him. Okay, she would not be getting any answers from Mercedes and wait, was that Matt Rutherford?

Shaking her head, she headed back for the safety of her own room, pulling her phone from her clutch that was lay on the floor, texting Santana.

**[To]San:** What did I do last night, the boys are just giving me a mixture of looks and I don't really want to ask them.

**[From]San:** You were grabbing cocks left and right, Rach.

Rachel let her jaw drop at the text she received back, all ready to reply as another text came through.

**[From]San:** You literally grabbed Sam's dick and said, "Who's cock is this?"

Throwing a hand across her face, Rachel groaned. She really needed to stop getting drunk with these people.

**[To]San:** Can I meet you for lunch? Cedes has someone who kind of looks like Matt in her bed and the boys are hogging the living room.

**[From]San:** Sure babe, meet me at the entrance to the NYU subway stop at 12. Oh and it is Matt, he's just transferred his course to New York, UCLA wasn't working for him.

Rachel hurried herself to get ready, not stopping to look at the boys on the way out, although Mike's giggles had now erupted.

* * *

><p><strong>(508): the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.<strong>

**[To]Rach:** Why is the xbox not working, and why does it smell like piss?

**[To]San:** Puck broke it last night, you don't even want to know how.

**[To]Rach:** I think I can guess, but c'mon, lay it on me so I can beat the mother fucker up when he heads around this afternoon.

**[To]San:** For one, he's asleep in the hammock in the garden, he fell into it last night. The worst part of it wasn't him peeing on the x-box. It was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful Santana!

Rachel smiled, grateful as she heard Santana's laugh from downstairs. It wouldn't last long as she'd probably beat Puck up within the next ten minutes, but it gave her a few extra minutes in bed before she had to go save his ass.

"I'll do it" Came the mumble from behind her, Rachel turning to face him, a smile on her face.

"Thank you. Give her another five minutes and then it could be time to intervene"

"_Dude, what the fuck are you doing?" Mike exclaimed as Puck stood over the x-box, undoing the zip on his jeans. _

"_The fucking this is cheating!" Puck raised his voice. "I'm giving it what it deserves" _

"_I can't watch" Mike cried, hiding his face into his hands and leaning onto Rachel's shoulders, who was still unsure on this whole situation. "Rach, stop him" _

_She should have really, it was the girls x-box, but there was something about heading over to Noah when he was about to take a pee on the thing that freaked her out. "Noah..." _

_Mike shook his head in horror as Puck let out a satisfied sigh, finishing his pee, before he uncovered his face, wishing he hadn't as Puck spun to look at Rachel after she called his name, glancing down at his dick that was still hanging from the zip hole, before he looked up at her, making a kissy face. _

"_Oh my god. Mike, make it stop" _

"_Dude, put your dick back in your jeans and stop being a creepy fucker. Also, clean that shit up before Santana finds out and hangs you by your balls" _

_Puck laughs, pulling his jeans back up and doing them up, before he saunters out of the room towards the kitchen. That's the last they hear from him, until they find him in the hammock. _

"PUCKERMAN!"

"I think I should probably go help him" Mike whispers again, before he presses a kiss to Rachel's forehead, causing her to blush a little as he rolled over to the edge, clothes from last night crumpled on his body.

"RACHEL, MERCEDES. HELP ME!"

Rachel giggled, rolling her eyes as she followed Mike downstairs and into the back garden, where Santana was currently hitting a curled up Puck with what looked like a plastic spade.

* * *

><p><strong>(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?<strong>  
><strong>(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife<strong>

Puck groaned as he peeked out of the downstairs toilet again, clearly spotting the legs hanging over the edge of the couch. He'd only popped to the toilet and everyone else had thought it was a good idea to leave a drunk Rachel and Mike on the sofa, which had resulted in the two of them getting into a make out session, a half naked make out session.

He heard Santana giggle from the top of the stairs and he pulled his phone out, glaring at it.

**[To]San:** Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

She had a slightly better viewing spot than him, so she'd be able to see exactly how bad it was. At her giggle once more, he groaned.

**[To]San:** I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

**[From]San:** I dare you.

Puck rolled his eyes, taking a deep breath before he headed towards the kitchen quickly, shutting the door quietly, as he turned around, he let out a loud scream, covering his eyes.

"KURT!"

Kurt shrugged, from where he was sat on the table, naked, magazine in one hand, knife in the other.

"What the hell dude?"

Santana made her way into the kitchen, practically howling as she spotted the sight in front of her, Kurt grinning at her. Kurt was always fun when he was high.

"What the hell is all the screaming about?" Rachel exclaimed as she headed in. "Kurt... what the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to get you and Mike to stop dry humping on the sofa and take it to your room" He answered.

Mike blushed a little, averting his eyes from Kurt who was still sat in all his glory.

"It's not like you haven't seen any of this before, I'm fairly certain you guys have the same" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, but dude, we don't want to see yours"

"Well this is my house" Kurt replied, jumping off the table, Puck closing his eyes quickly once more. "If I want to talk around naked, so be it"

Santana managed to get up from leaning against the fridge, following Kurt, the laughs still leaving her body. "That was gold Kurty"

"It certainly was" He replied. "C'mon, I think you need to share more of those cookies with me"


	2. two

**a/n:** _Not as long as last time, but here's a few more gems I found and thought would make good drabbles._

* * *

><p><strong>(937): Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?<strong>

Santana jumped in her place on the sofa as the front door slammed closed, tire's being heard backing out of the drive before taking off down the road. Frowning, she turned as Rachel headed downstairs, irritation evident on her face.

"Um... was that Mike?"

Rachel nodded as she fell down next to Santana, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I thought he was staying the night?"

"Not anymore" Rachel snapped back, before turning to Santana. "I'm sorry San, I never meant to snap at you"

"It's fine Rae, what happened?"

"It's his fault, he's the one who won't take the hint" Rachel huffed.

"Take the hint about what?" Santana asked. "Is this about what the last five arguments have been about?"

Rachel nodded. "Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?"

Santana laughed, rolling her eyes. "I don't know Rach, maybe because he's completely crazy about you?"

"When we started this, we both said we understood that it would just be a friends with benefit thing and that we wouldn't turn this into a relationship because it could possibly wreck our friendship"

"Babe, I hate to tell you that this is wrecking your friendship" Santana pointed out. "If you honestly and truthfully don't want anything relationship wise with him, then you need to cut all the other shit out and just go back to friends"

Rachel sighed. "I don't know what I want with him"

* * *

><p><strong>(847): Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?<strong>

Santana yawned as her body awoke, before letting out a small groan at the pain pounding in her head. Turning to grab some water and tablets, she froze as an arm gripped tighter around her waist.

Racking her brain quickly, she came up blank on who could possibly be in her bed. No-one really stood out from last night and she was out with Sam and Puck, so no sensible man would approach her.

"Shit" She mumbled, turning quickly to check it wasn't either of them. She let out a small sigh of relief as she realised it wasn't, but she honestly did not recognise him at all.

Reaching for her phone, she pulled up a new text.

**[To]Rach:** There's a random in my bed. Omg.

Seeing his wallet lay on the dresser next to her, she picked it up, quickly flipped through it trying to give her some kind of help on who he was. Pulling out a card that looked familiar to one of hers in her own purse, she rolled her eyes. Figures, he's a law student too like her.

**[To]Rach:** but at least he's a law student...

The man took this time to open his eyes, and Santana dropped the wallet and card onto the floor, pulling the duvet up to cover her.

"Um, hey?" He smiled, confused, as he rubbed his eyes.

"You're a law student?" Santana asked, straight to the point. "So am I, how come I've never seen you around?"

"I'm in my last year" He answered. "You're in your second right, that's what you told me last night?"

She nodded. "Well, it could have been worse"

"Thanks?"

"From me, that's a compliment" She answered, smiling genuinely at him.

* * *

><p><strong>(650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg<br>(1-650): dude, it's 2 am.  
>(650): but its COMING<strong>

Lay on the floor of the girls living room, Mike tossed and turned a little to get to sleep. He'd drew the short straw, literally. Mercedes had told them she'd bunk with Rachel so that one of them could have her bed and Puck had won that one. Kurt and Santana had bunked together and Sam, the jammy shit had got the last bed which meant he was sleeping downstairs, alone.

Why he was sleeping on the floor and not the sofa was another question entirely.

The house was silent, except for the drip of the tap and Puck's snores, yeah, definitely Puck's, so when another noise invaded his hearing, Mike sat up, looking around.

The ice cream truck, that was most certainly the ice cream truck tune he could hear, at 2am. How could he be that lucky?

**[To]Sam:** the ice cream truck is coming, omgomg. get down here now, we have to get some!

**[From]Sam:** dude, it's 2am.

Mike frowned, well of course he knew that, he wasn't dumb, he could read the time.

**[To]Sam:** but it's COMING!

Mike waited for any kind of reply, frowning as he didn't get one. Looking at the time, it was 2:10am and he could still hear the ice cream truck. Taking it up on himself, he pulled his sweats on and picked his wallet up, heading for the door.

"Dude, where the fuck are you going?" Sam yawned, running a hand through his hair.

"The ice cream truck is coming, I told you!" Mike answered, stomping his foot a little as Sam shook his head, pulling Mike's arm top move him from the door.

"No, it isn't. It's 2am dude, the ice cream dude is asleep right now"

"I can hear it, listen" Mike argued.

Sam stood still for a few moments, before shaking his head. "No, you're hearing things, there is no ice cream truck coming. Now, go to sleep"

"But it's out there" Mike began to get upset that his best friend wasn't listening to him.

"No it's not" Sam answered. "Dude, we'll get you ice cream tomorrow, okay? For now, let's go watch TV or something until you fall asleep and I can head to bed without fear of you getting yourself lost in next to nothing in the middle of December"

* * *

><p><strong>(330): Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.<strong>

Puck looked at his watch once more as he sat with Sam and Mike at a bar, drinks on the table, waiting for the girls to join them. They were having their weekly night out that didn't end in any of them being overly drunk, it was a nice change and it gave them all chance to really know about each others week.

"Dude, text them, they're like an hour late" Sam frowned.

"Why does it have to be me, why not one of you two?"

"Just do it, Puck" Mike rolled his eyes, standing up, motioning to the drinks. "Same again?"

"Please"

"Yeah, thanks dude" Puck answered, pulling his phone out before opening a new message, deciding Santana was more likely to answer him.

**[To]San:** Where are you, you guys are an hour late! Are you still coming out?

Puck thanked Mike has he came back a few minutes later, setting the drinks down, before his phone beeped indicating he had a message.

**[From]San:** Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odour wasn't what we want to smell tonight.

Puck growled, shaking his head. "Bitch"

**[From]Rach:** Ignore her Noah, I thought she rang you earlier to let you know, Mercedes isn't feeling very well so we decided to skip and look after her.

"Are they coming?"

"Nope, Cedes is ill so they're looking after her"

* * *

><p><strong>(814): dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.<strong>

Rachel turned her head to look up at Mike as his phone beeped one more, it had been beeping all night and she'd begun to get annoyed now, it was disturbing her film.

"Who the hell keeps texting you?"

"Puck, I told you" He answered, rolling his eyes and pressing delete again as the picture came up.

"Tell him to shut the hell up and text you tomorrow" She replied, curling back down. "Doesn't he understand the meaning of alone time?"

Mike went to answer as another message came through, Rachel taking his phone from him to look at the message.

"I wouldn't open that if I were you, Rach" He warned.

"Why not, we're all best friends right?" She replied, before shrieking and throwing his phone back at him.

"I told you"

"Why is Noah sending you pictures of his penis?"

"Because he's a complete idiot who needs help?" Mike asked. "Look, let me just text him back once more and then I'll turn my phone off completely, he's grossing me out"

**[To]Puck:** dude, stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. I get it, you rock out with your cock out. You're a disturbing human being.

* * *

><p><strong>(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices<strong>

Puck reached for the bottle of water he always kept next to his bed in desperation as he awoke, sitting up without opening his eyes and gulping as much down as he could. Pulling the bottle away, he gasped for air, finally opening his eyes, before cursing and closing them again, trying to block the light out. He really needed to learn to close his curtains before he went out and got drink.

After another two rounds of gulping water, Puck sighed, trying to scrub at his tongue as he stood, making his way down to the kitchen. Maybe juice would help.

Pulling the carton from the drink, he began to gulp that down, stopping as he spotted Mike smirking up at him from the table.

"You look like shit" He pointed out.

Puck growled, placing the juice back into the fridge before he frowned, why the fuck would that taste not leave?

"What the hell did I do last night?" Puck stuck his tongue out, trying to air it out. "My mouth tastes like poor choices"

"I'm not surprised" Mike laughed. "You drank some revolting shit last night and the girl you headed to the toilet with did not look like personal hygiene was top of her list"

Puck spun around, throwing up into the sink, before he growled washing his mouth out.

"Dude!"

"I'm just telling you the fucking truth" Mike defended. "It's not my fault you chase anything"

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"Santana tried but you wouldn't listen" Mike shrugged. "Have you tired cleaning your mouth out with mouth wash"

"It kind of feels better now I've puked, but I'll use that idea too" Puck grumbled, making his way towards the stairs. "I really need to stop drinking"

* * *

><p><strong>(601): You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."<strong>

Mercedes rolled her eyes as Rachel slumped on the sofa next to her, tears streaming down her face. Holding an arm out, Rachel curled into it, wrapping her arms around her best friend.

"What's with the tears?"

Mercedes knew it probably wasn't anything serious, Rachel could sometimes turn into the crying girl drunk depending on the poison Santana had gave her at the start of the night.

Mike and Puck joined the two in the living room and Mercedes looked to them for answers, Mike shrugging.

"She just randomly burst out crying and told us she needed to find you so you could give her one of your Cedes secret hugs" Puck answered.

Rolling her eyes, Mercedes rubbed Rachel's back gently, before pulling out her phone. Screw this, being the only sober one most of the time, she was going to get her own back. Snapping a picture of Rachel without her knowing, she glared over at the boys as they opened their mouths.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before one of Rachel's sobs turned into a laugh and Mercedes pulled back confused.

"What's funny?"

"My tears taste like vodka"

Mercedes decided then and there to upload the picture to facebook.

_/x/_

**[To]Mercedes:** Why is there a picture of me crying on facebook?

**[To]Rach:** You came crying to me last night and being the only sober one I decided to get my own back. I decided to upload it when you started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka".

**[To]Rach:** You are welcome.

* * *

><p><strong>(716): He bought me Ben &amp; Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex<strong>

"Hey Rae" Mike smiled as he leant forward to kiss her forehead as she let him through the front door.

"Hey. You look shattered, have you slept at all?" She asked, concerned as he yawned a little, rubbing a hand across his face.

"I had a few hours last night, but I worked late and then today I had that really long day of lectures" He shrugged, before holding up a bag for her to take.

Opening it, she smiled, surprised. "You brought Ben and Jerry's?"

He nodded, before smiling sweetly. "I uh... I brought it as part of an apology, I know what our plans for tonight were, but babe, I honestly don't think I'm going to be awake for much longer"

She giggled a little, part of her disappointed that they wouldn't be having sex tonight, but the whole thing was just too cute.

"C'mon you, we can just curl up in bed watching trashy TV and I can tuck into this"

He grinned down at her, pressing a proper kiss to her lips, before he made his way towards her room, letting her follow after she'd grabbed a spoon. She watched as he stripped down to his boxers, before curling down under the duvet, waiting for her to join.

Ten minutes later, she found him asleep, arm wrapped tightly around her. Setting the ice cream down on the side, she opened up a BBM conversation adding Mercedes and Santana into it.

**R;** Girls, you're safe to come home.

**S;** I thought the two of you were having this big shagging session?

**R;** He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

**Cedes;** Aw! That's too cute. You two need to date already.

**R;** Whatever, just be quiet when you head home, he's sleeping here tonight.


	3. three

**(901): i think i left my bra at your place  
><strong>**(1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.**

Rachel raised her eyebrow as she once again spun full circle looking around her room, she needed that god damn bra, it was the only one that went with the top she wanted to wear. Figuring Santana had probably borrowed it again, Rachel made her way down the hall to her best friends room, not bothering to knock.

Santana stirred a little at the sudden noise in her bedroom, eyes opening to be met with the backside of her best friend, bent over digging through a pile of clothes.

"What the fuck, B, it's like..." Santana turned to eye her alarm clock. "10am"

"Did you borrow my bra?" Rachel asks, standing up and turning around.

"Not recently" Santana shook her head. "Honestly, the last time I borrowed your bra was months ago, so could you please leave me to sleep?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, heading towards the door again, scratching the side of her head in thought. Making her way downstairs, she headed towards the kitchen.

"Morning Rae, what's up?"

"I lost my bra" She announces. "You know the one, it goes with my blue tank"

Mercedes rolled her eyes, of course she knew the one, Rachel and Santana had argued over it many times, apparently it was some sort of wonder bra. "Well, where was the last place you had it?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be looking" Rachel replied, before sighing. "Sorry Cedes, it's just that bra always seems to go walk-abouts"

"Wait, didn't you wear it out Thursday night when you crashed at Mike's place?"

Rachel's face lit up. "Yeah. I bet he has it, thief"

Mercedes rolled her eyes as Rachel ran back upstairs, grabbing her phone.

**[To]Mike**: I think I left my bra at your place. X

**[To]Rachel**: It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. :] 3 xo

Rachel rolled her eyes, shooting him a text back before deciding to pick a new outfit for the day.

* * *

><p><strong>(813): So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.<strong>

Santana eyes the place she's at once more, she has no idea how or why she's here, she just knows her chances of picking up some male ass and getting laid tonight is slim, unless their boyfriends wouldn't mind adding a girl into the equation for a night.

Taking a sip of her drink, she shook her head again at some random woman heading her way. The woman frowned, turning in her tracks. Taking her phone, Santana shot a random text off to Rachel.

**[To]Rachel:** So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

Tracing the edge of her glass, Santana waited for a reply.

**[To]Santana**: Where the hell are you? That sucks. Just head home to us, you can join? ;)

**[To]Rachel:** Rach is going to kill you when she realises you stole her phone, Chang, but you know what, I'm taking you up on the fucking offer if I don't see me a piece of dick in the next five minutes.

**[To]Santana:** Santana, that offer isn't valid because it wasn't me who sent it.

**[To]Rachel**: Fuck you, Rach. I'm getting me a replay of sleazy September, I'll be home in 20 minutes. ;) x

* * *

><p><strong>(585): WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET<strong>

Puck growled as he searched the cupboard once more, throwing things out as he went. He was about ready to kill someone, no-one touched the cookies without leaving him at least two.

"Dude, what the hell is all that banging?" Sam shouted down the hall from his room. "I can't hear myself think"

"Where are the cookies?" Puck shouted back.

"I don't know why you're asking me, you know I don't eat that crap. Try Mike and keep it down!"

Puck rolled his eyes as Sam slammed his door closed once more, Puck reaching to grab his phone off the table.

**[To]Mike**: WHO ATE OUR COOKIES? WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET.

**[To]Puck**: Uhm, you might want to ask Rae...

Puck let out another growl, rolling his eyes. He could never stay angry at Rachel for too long, she had these stupid doe eyes and he always ended up forgiving her.

**[To]Mike:** No, she's your girlfriend, you're totally paying for this.

**[To]Puck:** Dude, we aren't dating and that's not fair. She was hungry the other night and they were out on the side. How's that my fault?

**[To]Mike**: I'm waiting. Your life is going to be hell for the next week.

**[To]Puck:** Can't I just buy you more?

**[To]Mike:** I want them now, not later when you get home, so no.

Puck isn't surprised when Mike camps at Rachel's for the rest of the week.


	4. four

**(815): I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"**

Mike groans as he opens his eyes, the sunlight seeping through flimsy curtains. He knows he's not in his own bedroom because he invested in blackout curtains for good reason. He really needs to get Rachel some too considering he spends so much time here.

Rolling over onto his side, he frowns at the empty side of the bed and runs his hand across it. Cold, so she hadn't been next to him in a while.

He rolls onto his back once more, before he sits up, rubbing a hand across his eyes to get rid of the sleep. He looks around the room for something other than last night's clothes to put on, smirking as he notices his sweats and a t-shirt Rachel always ends up robbing whenever he stays.

After throwing them on and running a hand through his hair to flatten it, he grabs his phone and makes his way towards the kitchen to find something to eat.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes" Santana grins at him from her position at the breakfast bar, laptop in front of her.

"Morning" Mike answers, opening the fridge. "I don't actually remember how I got back here last night"

"You were pretty wasted" Santana answers as Mike turns back to her, a bowl of fruit in his hand. "Puck went home early, something about a lecture he had in the morning, Rach just thought it was easier to bring you back here, between you and Tina it took us an hour to get from the bar two blocks away back here"

Mike laughed a little, swallowing some strawberry. "Oops, Rach at college?"

"Yeah, she had a lecture about an hour ago and she has one at 11 and I need to get going to because mine starts in 20. Do you have one?"

"I had one that started 30 minutes ago, I wasn't planning on going anyway" He shrugged. "I think I'm going to go back to bed"

"Rachel will kill you if she comes home to find you still asleep" Santana warned as she pulled her shoes on, grabbing her jacket and bag too.

"Probably" He answered, laughing. "See you later San"

Heading back towards Rachel's bed, Mike placed the bowl of fruit on the bedside cabinet, curling under the duvet.

**[To]Rachel:** Babe, could you pick me up some pain killers? Also, what happened last night? I have no memory x

**[To]Mike:** Already done. :] As for last night, once we got in I tried to give you a bj and all you could manage was "Haha, that tickles" and "In the morning" x

Mike laughed a little, rolling his eyes, of course he did.

**[To]Rachel**: Thank you and oops, my bad. I'll make it up to you later... :] x

**[To]Mike:** You best not still be in bed, Mike! X

* * *

><p><strong>(978): How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night<strong>

"Sam was coming on to you again last night" It's the first thing that Rachel says to Santana that morning and it makes Santana sigh and hide her face. "Have you told him?"

"9 time Rae, 9" She points out. "It's beginning to get awkward because he only remembers doing it when I tell him and I remember it all"

"Text him, maybe we should try and find him a nice girlfriend" She muses as she stirs the coffee she's just poured, letting Santana leave the kitchen, muttering under her breath. "Or maybe you could give him a chance"

Santana scoffed at the remark, carrying on towards her bedroom, grabbing her phone as she fell onto her bed.

It wasn't that she didn't find Sam attractive, she did, it was their close friendship that put her off, apart from Puck and Mike she'd never had that good of a friendship with a guy and that's all she saw him as. She was comfortable with him, they were comfortable, not basis for a relationship.

Opening up a new message, she typed in Sam's name before typing her message.

**[To]Sam**: How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause we were at 9 as of last night.

Nothing too harsh and maybe even a little humorous, if you squinted.

**[To]San:** I'm sorry San, you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, and I flirt with everyone. It won't get awkward, promise. I'll stop drinking around you. ;]

Rolling her eyes, Santana laughed a little.

* * *

><p><strong>(585): He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure I take my pill. It's working.<strong>

Santana jumped as a sudden loud blaring interrupted her sleep, sitting up she reached for her phone, eyeing it with curiosity. That was not her alarm tone.

Listening closer, she figured out the exact sound coming from the phone, laughing a little as she shut it up. She had a tendency when she was drunk to forget to take her pill the morning after and one too many times lately she'd scared herself.

Heading towards the kitchen, she reached up for a glass filling it with water before heading for the bathroom and opening her side of the cabinet, pulling a small pill out, swallowing it.

As the door slammed to the apartment, she smiled heading for the living room to find Rachel pulling her shoes off throwing them carelessly over the living room and sighing gratefully as she put rested her feet on the sofa next to her.

"Morning sunshine" Santana grinned, falling next to Rachel, pulling her friends legs across her laps.

"I'm so tired, never again am I drinking or wearing those god damn heels on a Tuesday night with a lecture the morning after" Rachel moaned, closing her eyes. "How are you San?"

"I'm okay, woke up to something interesting this morning" Santana replied.

Rachel opened her eyes, before frowning. "I don't think I want to know"

"Nothing like that" Santana rolled her eyes, laughing. "He left before I was awake this morning, long day at work or something"

"Then tell me"

"My alarm went off about five minutes ago, he must have set it. It was the sound of an infant screaming and puking, I guess to make sure I took my pill" Santana laughed. "It worked"

Rachel shook her head, laughing. "I think you've found a keeper San"

* * *

><p><strong>(480): I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet<strong>

Puck frowned as he muted the TV again, shaking his head as everything stayed silent. He needed to stop drinking, he was going mad.

Twenty minutes later, Puck muted the TV again. Okay, really, he wasn't going mad, this was really happening. He could hear Mike's voice calling out, but Mike was at his lecture.

Shaking his head, Puck decided to just check Mike's room, just to be on the safe side, if he wasn't there then Puck would make sure he was never home alone again.

The voice got louder as Puck entered Mike's room and Puck looked under the bed, before searching every place he could think off, stopping at the closet. Yanking it open, he screamed a little as Mike looked up at him, eyes confused.

"Puck?"

"Dude, what the fuck?"

"I think Rachel locked me in here last night, but I can't be sure. All I know is that my head hurts, I'm naked and thirsty"

Puck rolled his eyes, throwing Mike a pair of sweats that were lay on the floor, turning to leave the room as Mike managed to stand himself up, pulling the item of clothing on. "There's some leftover pizza in the kitchen"

"Cheers dude"

"I thought your voice was coming from the walls, I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet" Puck answered. "Whatever kinky games you and Rach play, you need to make sure she remembers to let you out in the morning"

"I think we had an argument" Mike announced truthfully. "I can't remember though, she'll shout at me later so I'll just leave it for now"


End file.
